Ideally, the end comes at home, in your own bed, surrounded by those you love.
But it’s good to have a Plan B.
That’s the core message of Ready or Not, a Rapp at Home program whose motto is, “Plan when you can, not when you have to.” It brings together small groups of older adults to talk through how to be prepared for the uncertainty of aging.
Granted, it’s not the most inviting subject matter. And yet, since Ready or Not was launched as a pilot a few years ago, 15 different groups — comprising 106 people — have participated, including two that started meeting last month.
“ I’d say, ‘I’ll never go into a nursing home. Never,’” said Derek Capizzi, 73, who lives in Castleton. “But you start thinking about how realistic is it to assume that you’ll die at home, with some sense of dignity. This program really asks those tough questions.” (Photo/Randy Rieland)
The six to eight people in each group, led by a facilitator, are asked to develop concrete, written plans for dealing with the unpredictability of growing old. For instance, they take a hard look at their options if they can’t stay in their homes, and how they should involve their families and friends. They also try to ensure there are no legal loose ends or questions about the fate of what they leave behind.
Those are personal matters, but that hasn’t seemed to dampen discussions, even when participants aren’t close friends, according to Gwen Bates, 82, of Huntly, who oversees the program for Rapp at Home. She gave the example of one husband who initially said he had little interest in joining the group. But after the first meeting, Bates said he was “totally sold.”
Part of the appeal, she suggested, is that Ready or Not forces people to deal with matters they know they should address, but tend to push to the back burner. For instance, how should they respond to the limited eldercare services in the region?
“It’s a major issue facing a lot of us old people around here,” said Ralph Bates, Gwen’s husband, who is Rapp at Home’s vice president. “Who’s going to take care of us as we get older?
“One of the big things that came out for us, something I hadn’t thought about, was our dog,” said Laurie Emrich, 71, of Castleton. “What happens to your pets? You hate to think of your poor older dog going off to some new people they don’t know.” (Photo/Randy Rieland)
That’s a core concern raised in the groups. “Oh, I’d say, ‘I’ll never go into a nursing home. Never,’” said Derek Capizzi, 73, who lives in Castleton. “But you start thinking about how realistic is it to assume that you’ll die at home, with some sense of dignity. This program really asks those tough questions.”
Then there are the questions not considered. “One of the big things that came out for us, something I hadn’t thought about, was our dog,” said Laurie Emrich, 71, of Castleton. “What happens to your pets? You hate to think of your poor older dog going off to some new people they don’t know.”
But another, less expected benefit has been the bonds formed among those sharing the experience of planning their last days. Some have taken field trips together to check out continuing care communities. Others have continued meeting socially after they’ve finished the structured part of the program.
Gwen Bates, 82, of Huntly, oversees the Ready or Not program for Rapp at Home.“It’s a support group you really didn’t know you had.” (Photo/Randy Rieland)
Barbara Black, 75, of Woodville, said her group recently had a “wonderful” reunion. “We all decided that we want to check in with each other periodically, just to kind of hold each other to account and see what people are thinking about.”
She thinks the experience has deepened her relationship with the others. “We don’t have too much time, and I think that’s what’s coming out for everybody. We’re noodling on important questions like ‘What about uncertainty? Or what about lack of control.’”
That kind of reaction no longer surprises Gwen Bates.
“It’s a support group you really didn’t know you had,” she said.
